Father Scott talked to us about “the question” at our most recent Mile High Ministries staff meeting. This question refers to the questions that come into our lives due to life changing events. They might be questions of fear and uncertainty or even questions of excitement and joy.
Our conversation caused me to think about how I respond, or maybe a better word is “react”, to these questions in my own life. I was immediately taken back to some of the difficult times that brought about hard questions. I was reminded of 2 Novembers ago when Nicole and I lost our 3 Musketeers after only a few weeks of knowing that they were with us. I also started thinking about some of those things that happened to me as a kid that made me question whether God was out to get me. An observation that I made during my meditation on the questions that arose from these situations was that I had an aggressive persistence in trying to get God to answer my questions.
I am more and more convinced that our culture has conditioned us to always seek resolution. If I watch a movie with a cliff-hanger ending, I am always so upset that I just wasted 2 hours of my life watching something that didn’t really end. I guess that my need for resolution drives me to always want answers to the profound questions of life, but maybe some of them aren’t meant to be answered.
When Nicole and I lost the triplets I began to discover a truth about God that I loved and hated simultaneously. I saw a side of God that seemed incredible and like a cop-out at the same time. God didn’t answer my questions. He never gave me an answer as to “Why” my babies weren’t with us anymore, although several well intentioned folks tried to comfort us with the assurance that God had a good reason for taking them away. God never gave me very many answers, but I never once got the feeling that this was “Meant to be” and one of those “Mysterious Ways” in which God works.
What I began to see was not a God who was in the business of answering my questions, but rather a God who patiently sat with me as I asked them. While I was searching for resolution, God was simply whispering in my ear: “I’m here with you, Ben. I know this sucks, but I’m right here.”
This might not seem very profound, but it has changed the entire way that I view God
and myself. At first this realization angered me. I believed that God had the responsibility to answer my questions, especially the difficult ones. While I still feel that way occasionally, I’ve discovered that a relationship with a God who just sits with me in the middle of the question is more profound and meaningful than one with a God who just pumps out answers from a safe distance.