Thea: The Orphan Letters

The nutshell for those uninterested in long posts about personal updates/accomplishments…

• I wrote a novel.
• I would be over the freakin moon if you decided you were interested enough to purchase said novel. You can find the paperback and ebook here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BKS92MZ4 
• If you read it and like it, leave a review to that effect. If you read it and hate it, maybe forget you ever saw it. 🙂

Now for the rest of you who need more…

Holy shit, I wrote a novel! 

Here’s the deal. I started this beast over a decade ago, set it down for a long time, and then decided to finish it earlier this year. 

Reasons I set it down:

1. Writing a book is actually a fair bit of work, and the time and energy it takes to finish projects like this is not always something I possess. 
2. I was scared. 
3. I was scared.
4. I was really scared. You know that voice in your head that sounds like this: “Who exactly do you think you are, a real writer? You know that this won’t be all that good and then people will laugh at the fact that you even tried.” You know, basically calling you out for being “too big for your britches.” Yeah, that voice is my constant companion.

Reasons I picked it back up:

1. Because screw that voice.
2. Because not trying got scarier.
3. Because I remembered the original feeling that made me want to write this little book to begin with.

So what is this novel about? In short, it’s about my mom. More accurately, it’s about my mom as a child. 

For years she told me stories that I only half listened to, because kids can be incredibly self-absorbed, and I was no different. 

Those stories began to take on new dimensions when Emery (my oldest child) was born in 2011. I began to realize that my mom had experienced several things that I had only really seen portrayed in books and movies. I had also begun writing a lot back then, in the form of blogs mostly, and really enjoyed that form of self-expression. I had a lightbulb moment in the little house Nic and I were renting in the Barnum neighborhood of Denver shortly after Emery was born. My mom was in our living room and I started asking her questions about her childhood and I almost immediately realized that I wanted to write about those stories.

I started writing them in the form of letters to someone my mom often talked about- the nun that really loved her during her earliest years of growing up in a German orphanage. I started to add some other details to fill out the story, condensed it all into a single year, and that eventually became the novel this entirely too long post is all about- Thea: The Orphan Letters

When I was younger I learned to guard myself from bullies by feigning disinterest, even when something actually excited me. For some reason, (probably because kids can be really mean) when I expressed excitement in almost anything, a kid would always be right there to remind me that I was showing my lack of cool-ness in that moment. This kid (who also lives in my head these days) makes me want to say something like, “If you want to check it out then do, but it doesn’t really matter to me either way.” 

But here’s the truth. I am SUPER excited about this! I am very proud of myself for following through and finishing this thing. I feel like a kid who just learned how to do a front-flip on the trampoline begging my parents to come watch. I am so damn excited to share this with you all! This is in no way me trying to pressure you into buying it! But it is my way of saying that I am proud of this novel and I am not going to hide that I would be crazy happy if you decided to give it a shot. 

Lastly, a disclaimer. When nobody is asking you to write a novel you actually have to pay editors to do their magic. Well the punk rock kid inside of me was happy to just DIY this thing rather than breaking the bank, so be warned that there are surely some “blemishes” in there making it clear that I did this mostly on my own (Emery helped edit it and did a bang up job!). 

If you made it this far, thanks! Also, the link at the top will get you to the book if you’re interested. 

THOUGHTS ON RELIGIOUS DECONSTRUCTION

Readers of the blog and friends/family of mine know that the past three years or so have been defined in some part by a deconstruction of my religious identity. Maybe you are experiencing this yourself or know someone that is. Or maybe you will someday fit into one of those two groups. So here are a few thoughts on the whole thing. It is important that I note here that these are thoughts based on *MY* experience and should not be blindly applied to other people (including yourself) going through a similar experience. That said, hopefully you are able to find something meaningful, helpful, important hidden within these words.

1. THAT SHIT CAN BE SCARY!
   For a whole lot of reasons it was super disorienting and even frightening when I had to admit I no longer felt like calling myself a Christian was authentic. At one level it meant I was losing access to a community I had felt so comfortable with/supported by. At another level those hell-fire and brimstone sermons from my teen years never totally left the back of my mind. So yeah, admitting that deconstruction is happening was legit scary for me.
   
2. THAT SHIT IS EXHAUSTING!
   It wasn’t until early 2020 that I felt like I could actually read/listen/talk about spirituality without it draining me of my energy almost immediately. Reading authors that I used to love (and still cognitively agreed with on so many levels) just felt like skipping breakfast and running a marathon while feeling that deep void where your center of energy should be.
   
3. I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO GRIEVE
   This is no joke. Some friends within the Christian household seemed to assume that I was just moving in the direction that seemed like a cool “progressive” way to shed that dusty, boring, old “Christian” label. Other friends who were outside of the Christian household celebrated the fact that I was finally shedding that dusty, boring, old “Christian” label. But in all reality I wasn’t shedding anything. I felt like something super important to me was being taken away. I never chose to stop identifying with the beliefs that had offered a sort of container to my life for more than 17 years. Instead I was forced into a space where I could no longer ignore that that container had cracked long ago and was being held together with dollar-store scotch tape. I didn’t feel cool. I actually missed the feeling that used to accompany my faith. I missed it so much that I actually went back and read “Blue Like Jazz” again hoping it would energize me as it did in 2007. It did not. I had to learn (am still having to learn) how to grieve the actual loss I have been experiencing as I am more honest with myself related to all of this.
   
4. I HAD TO LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO CONTROL “WHERE I WOULD LAND”
   Early in this process I used the language of deconstruction, but I had some hidden rules that even I was not really aware of. I needed to land back in the Christian zone again someday (though more enlightened by my exotic non-Christian travels). This hidden rule has caused so much unnecessary anxiety as I have felt drawn to explore other traditions. On the flip side, somewhere along the way I created another rule in my head that I needed to land anywhere but back in that Christian zone. Then I started to feel anxiety when I felt drawn toward a Christian teacher/teaching. Somehow (because we are all really messy beings when you get down to it) both of these rules policed my deconstruction. So yeah, it’s been a bit rough at times. I have had to learn that if I’m serious about my own experience in this then I need to embrace that I have no idea where I’m headed. I also need to embrace the reality that some people might be disappointed by any one direction I gravitate toward and that is not my burden to bear.

That’s all I’ve got for now. If this seems not very enlightening and a bit disheveled then I’m probably doing a pretty good job of reflecting the reality of this experience. It’s often pretty mundane and messy as hell. And it’s something I am realizing I need to honor. As always, feel free to reach out if any of this resonates or if you have questions/just want to chat about your own experience.